100 Random Things About Me Baby

So I was bored on Twitter the other day and just started random posts about a great topic, myself. It then dawned on me that I was in the process of being like Jonathan Corpening and filling up all my friends Twitter feeds with random yet semi educational tweets. With that thought I figured it might just be best to make a blog. Now the mind of this manic isn't an easy one to follow, I accept your apologies in advance for thinking WTF is wrong with this guy. I also understand that one day you may want to be like me and I fully understand that and am flattered.

1. I absolutely despise the sound of fingernail clippers. It drives me more crazy on fingers because you could truthfully just use teeth instead of subjecting me to such torture.
2. Those little white dots that are on everyones mirrors in the bathroom from where the try to spit their toothpaste out with enough force to penetrate the sink, yep those drive me crazy too.
3. I can find nothing more entertaining then pulling pranks and practical jokes on people and I worry that one day my wife will finally get tired of them and either kick me out of the house or decide committing herself to a mental hospital will be better than living with me.
4. I have a tendency to play through majority of injuries because injuries are for pansies. Although later I will whine about how much it hurts and expect my wife to baby me.
5. I am the definition of a carnivore. I do not waste my stomach space on salads or vegetables at a buffet. Beef, chicken, fish, and mashed potatoes are my food groups while I'm at Golden Corral.
6. In reference to the previous one, I miss the Golden Corral in Lenoir, I damn near cried when it was shut down.
7. I consider myself a Christian, although I know I have a lot of work to do I trust in my Lord and Savior to forgive me and continue to help me become the Christian example I want to be for my daughter.
8. My daughter is the most important thing in my life. 
9. I hate the feeling of felt or silk for that matter, it's too perfect.
10. I enjoy golf although I hate it because I can't perfect it.
11. If I'm not good at something I will not stop until I am good at it, or at least better than my peers.
12. I consider my wife to be the luckiest woman alive.
13. I enjoy cooking, mostly on the grill though. Nothing better than making a new blend of spices for something and slapping on an open flame. 
14. I cannot cook anything without burning myself. This includes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, that's a long story.
15. I have a step brother who I consider a blood brother, but he is an asshole.
16. My brother has the largest forehead you will ever see for someone that isn't balding or aged terribly.
17. My brother lifts a lot of weights to bulk up and the reason is because he's compensating for something else, let your imagination roam folks.
18. Although I have now flown, I still have a fear of flying. Actually I have a fear of crashing and yes that is two totally different areas people.
19. I'm a conservative but I tend to stay out of arguments with people over politics because there is no winning them and I think that most people are too dumb to argue with.
20. I hate when people bash our president no matter what party he is in. Fact of the matter is he has accepted the hardest job with a pay that is not worth the crap he has to go through. As a country we elected him and that is part of what make our country great, we are a democracy.
21. I think that I could run for president one day and in fact plan on running as soon as I hit the eligible age. I have the balls to put my name on my voting ballot so that's at least one more vote for presidency than most people will ever get.
22. I hate seeing people in pajamas out in public. Especially girls, no it's not sexy it's disgusting. It proves that you are too lazy to at least make yourself presentable to the human race.
23. Self portraits on Facebook drive me crazy, one or two is fine. Fifty and your a narcissistic individual.
24. I had to look up the word narcissistic to make sure that I was using the right form of the word.
25. You should know that what was previously right here was edited out...
26. I am straight edge, not hardcore straight edge like wacked out of mind better than you cause my blood is pure, just no drugs, smoking, or alcohol straight edge.
27. I consider being straight edge a source of pride and accomplishment now and have not even remotely thought to drink one drop of alcohol in nearly ten years. I won't even sample an alcoholic drink.
28. I play paintball and it borderlines obsession.
29. I have had people ask me if I'm insane because I get lit up playing paintball in one run and come up laughing hysterically. Seriously this has happened at least five times.
30. My nickname is "Joker" it's fairly obvious why if you reference #3. If you didn't read #3, this isn't a pick and choose adventure. Read all of them to be enlightened lazy ass.
31. I honestly think that the owner of the paintball field and team I play for is a direct descendant of Chuck Norris.
32. I cannot stand the "Duck Face" that girls do when they take pictures. It doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look like a bee has stung you on the lips and they have proceeded to swell in the form of a volcano instead of outward.
33. I hate organized protest groups, no names will be mentioned. I feel that if you didn't get your way in a vote or decision, going out in public and acting like a bunch of three year olds who didn't get their toy in the store doesn't do anything to help your cause. It makes you look like a whiny bunch of three years olds who didn't get their toy in the store.
34. I have a tendency to offend people with my bluntness. This is mainly because I do not see the point of sugar coating stuff, it borderlines lying. If you don't want to be offended by someone it may be best not to ask for their opinion.
35. I'm terrified of aliens. At one point in my life it was actually part of my prayers to not get abducted by aliens.
36. I have never seen anything that remotely resembles a UFO and am still terrified of them.
37. I don't like turning on my porch light when it's dark because I know one day someone will be standing there and it will make me turn my underware into a diaper.
38. I think I would be a great teacher in school. English most likely.
39. I do not believe in not giving 100%. If you don't believe me I can reference the 8 inch scar on my legs from where I slid into home plate to win the game, of wiffle ball.
40. I hate the phrase "Give 110%". It's mathematically impossible therefore it's stupid,
41. My favorite word is brother. I call everyone this and I have no idea when it started but it can't be stopped.
42. I can't stand watching videos of people breaking bones and stuff.
43. I can't turn away when someone shows me a video of someone breaking bones.
44. I can't help but click a link showing a gruesome injury.
45. My hero is Chael Sonnen.
46. I sleep in the nude.
47. I lie about sleeping in the nude.
48. I had the greatest dog in the world named Bucky. He was a Golden Retriever and can never be replaced. I will never own another Retriever out of respect for him because he was hands down the best dog I ever had.
49. I now have one of the worst dogs in the world who can't be trained for anything. He is a min pin named Manny. He isn't even remotely a good dog but I still love him.
50. I hate cats, in the manner that the word hate cannot be emphasized enough. They are stuck up little pricks and think the world revolves around them.
51. I hate that people say cats are smarter than dogs. How many cats you ever seen trained to sit or lay down. Now compare that to how many dogs.
52. I enjoy playing video games. Preferably action games or shooters.
53. Football is my favorite sport to watch on TV.
54. I love watching videos of soldiers returning home to there families, make a wish kids meeting their heros, etc. 
55. I will openly admit that I cry during videos like the ones mentioned above.
56. I think that our military does not get the respect it deserves and if you want to bash them you should be automatically drafted into the military. Spend the time they do away from their families with bullets getting slung at you and let me know if you still feel they don't deserve respect.
57. One of the most emotional experience I have ever been to was a funeral for someone I didn't even know. He was a marine name Jason Ramseyer and the amount of respect from his peers was absolutely amazing.
58. My current goal is to build a house on my land that was given to me by my grandfather.
59. I would like to visit Scotland one day, only so that my wife will stop saying she wants to go to Scotland. Reference #18 for why it's not a priority for me.
60. I have no interest in going to Cancun. I figure there is so much semen in the water that as a male I could get pregnant down there.
61. If as a teenager my daughter decides that she would like to travel, I plan to show her the movie "Taken"
62. I think Liam Neeson is a bad ass, I need say no more.
63. My favorite meal of the day is breakfast, because I get to eat bacon and not be judged,
64. My favorite meal to cook is breakfast because I get to cook bacon and not be judged,
65. I think that I could write a book about mine and my wife's marriage and have a best seller.
66. I have a mild obsession with zombies. I have read the Zombie Survival Handbook and am fully prepared when the poo hits the fan.
67. I think that the first one of my friends to die in a zombie apocalypse would be Teddy Estes. My theory is he will zone out like he tends to do in the middle of an infested street.
68. Blogger has told me ten times now the auto save didn't work and I should save my work... I just saved it.
69. I love the number 69 and if I have to explain to you why then you are too young to be reading this.
70. I have not drank a Sun Drop in a year, it has been the most difficult thing to do in my life.
71. I think lake water is disgusting and do not like to swim in it. Next time you dive in a lake remember that people pee in it and fish poop in it. Honestly there is enough drunk people on the lake that people probably poop in it too.
72. I fully believe that the guy that ate the homeless guy a few months back was a zombie and the government covered it up. Judge me if you want, but when a zombie outbreak happens I want to make sure you think of me and how I was right and you were wrong.
73. I have no problem with being proved wrong, however I will find and create a believable excuse as to why I was wrong. 
74. I can not kill any animal at all. I had to carry a squirrel that had been shot around on a hunting trip I was invited on. I felt like shit the whole time and considered CPR on it.
75. I also accidentally starved a little green grass bug to death recently, I'm still beating myself up over it.
76. I think that my wife was molded perfectly for me. Her body is hands down sexy as sexy can get.
77. I can't stand when people use the word "hell: in a form that is opposite of what hell is. Example, it's cold as hell in here. Hell isn't cold...
78. I do not have a best friend, I have multiple friends that I consider family so therefore I have a group of best friends.
79. I can not for any reason pin down a favorite movie of all time. If you ask me prepare for a top five at least, maybe a top ten if time allows it.
80. The consistent top three in my top five, Braveheart, Gladiator, The Dark Knight. Those three will bounce around though according to which one I watched last.
81. I didn't have sex in high school because I was terrified of STD's, I watched the pictures in Sex Ed and was terrified that my junk could look like that.
82. I do not believe in beautiful scenery or romantic scenery. It is a mountain and I have seen tons of them. No I am not amazed by it, once again it is a mountain God created tons of those things.
83. I enjoy fishing but I always poke myself with the hook when I'm pulling a fish off. For this reason I am concerned that I have fish blood coursing through my veins. 
84. I am bottom line one hell of a swimmer and my dive is as graceful as Jack Sparrow, you have my permission to be jealous of this.
85. I do not like vegetable soup, especially home made. My mom made it constantly when I was younger and to be honest my body has created a tolerance to it that refuses to absorb it as food and substance. 
86. Spaghetti is almost to this point because everyone I know thinks that Spaghetti is the greatest meal of all time. It is sauce, noodles, and meat, it's boring. Throw a little cheese on top and some sour cream in the noodles, shit just got interesting. 
87. Every Valentines Day I cook my wife a really nice extravagant meal. That night I want t open up a restaurant. The following day when I'm doing dishes I swear I will never cook again.
88. I do not like folding clothes. There is no joke that can be made of of this because I dislike it so much.
89. If someone throws up in a 10 yard radius of me I will proceed to throw up as well. This is like clock work folks so keep that in mind if you get sick around me.
90. When I throw up I get these red dots on my face called petechiae. I look like someone beat the hell out of me and I proceed to go into hiding for about three days.
91. I have a double jointed thumb. If you are someone who I did the "Look I can dislocate my thumb" trick to. The secret is out...
92. If I could take one person on a desert island I would not take my wife. I would probably take my moms boyfriend because he can make something out of anything. He's like a damn modern day McGuyver.
93. Not a fan of ocean water. Anything water that hides stuff that can kill me(i.e. a friggin shark) I am not comfortable in. Also every wonder what those little warm spots are in the ocean...
94. I'm obsessed with Spider Man. I have thought of anyway possible to be like Spider Man and sadly I don't see a feasible way.
95. I think the Vice President role is dumb and pointless. 
96. I don't believe in female coworkers as in a group of females working together. Women are like beta fish in the sense that if one sees another it is only a matter of time before they begin to drink of the Haterade.
97. After getting this far I am wondering just how interesting of a person that I really am.
98. I think that anyone who thinks that 9/11 was an inside job should be escorted to Canada and released. If I didn't trust my wife enough not to kill me I know for sure that I would not live in my house.
99. I don't believe in giving flowers as a sign of love. They die and true love shouldn't die. Keep that in mind next time you're BF gives you a dozen roses, you can even tell him that Big Daddy J said he's lazy and uninspired.
100. I am glad this list is done.

You Can't Anything by Doing Nothing

So I've been wanting to write another blog for quite sometime but I just can't find the time. It could be writers block but I doubt that too, so I figure the only thing keeping me from writing in this damn thing is myself. After pimp smacking myself in the face for keeping myself from doing such a productive task, I happened to slap some sense into myself and remember that this is something I complain about with people today.

It drives me off the padded walls when I hear someone say that they can't do something. I make sure to correct my daughter every time that she says that she can't do something and tell her that there is nothing in life that we can't do... well there are something likes stapling jello to a tree or taking your pet fish for a walk outside of his bowl but as usual I have gotten sidetracked let me reenter my zone with another one of these...

Ready for a good quote "I can do anything that is possible, and anything that is impossible it will just take me a little longer to finish." Basically let me interpret that, before saying something is impossible you need to learn how to do it and never give up until you get it done. Now let's get a legal disclaimer in here, I'm not telling you that it's possible to jump out of a plane without a parachute and you'll survive... actually there was this one guy who survived when his chute failed to open but it wasn't exactly something he friggin practiced ya know, sorry time to head back to the subject with another one of these... What I am telling you is that if someone else can do it then you can do it as well.

Look I'll be the first to tell you I can't dance, the reason why I can't dance is because I've made no effort to learn how to dance. It's just not a hobby of mine and due to the fact that I look like I'm trying to make myself look stupid when I dance, I elect to keep my ass off the dance floor. That's not saying that I'll never be able to dance, one day I may decide that I want to dance and the next time you see me I'll be like one of those penguins in Happy Feet, breaking it down baby.

Something I'm known for in my circle of friends, that I prefer to call "my peeps", is whenever I fail at something I go back and analyze exactly what the hell happened and counter it until I get it right. Some would call it being a sore loser, I call it being a determined loser. I refuse to let anyone beat me at anything that I am willing to put my mind to.

Bottom line is before saying that you can't do something ask yourself if you have tried to do it. I'm not saying did you give it a shot and couldn't do it so you can't do it, I'm saying ask yourself if you made the effort to get to the point that you can do it.

Be Nothing But Yourself

Well after a very intense debate over Facebook this blog was a no brainer for me. I can’t stand people who change their personality or their views based on who they’re around. I call them doppelgangers. Now if you’re unfamiliar with the word here’s a quick lesson from Uncle J, Doppelganger (n) 1) a ghostly counterpart of a living person. Let’s forget about the ghost part and just run with the counterpart…. uhhhh part.

One of the reasons I hate this is because some of the worst years of my life were when I was trying to be someone I’m not. At one time I was one of the most picked on kids at school. It didn’t get too bad until my freshman year and it carried on all the way through my sophomore year. Shocking yes I know but if you seen pictures you would understand why.

Basically my attitude changed the day that my sophomore year ended. I decided that I was done trying to act like someone that I wasn’t. I was through getting picked on, and through holding back the real me to try and blend in with the crowd. My junior year was a lot better, the first guy that tried to bully me I punched in the nose so the bullying stopped. My senior year was when I finally let loose and the real me was revealed to the world and I had a blast being ME. I didn’t care what others thought about me and had fun and people hung out with me without any doubt that they were going to have a good time.

My views on everything changed with my coming out of my shell. I refused to date, because the only reason I had dated before was kind of a social status thing. I did it so I wasn’t the geeky single guy that nobody wanted. I hung out with tons of girls and went on dates but they knew there was nothing going to come out of it, not even sex. Because of this some people thought I was gay and I didn’t care because I wasn’t and I knowing that was all that mattered. I was having fun without the pressures of trying to fit and could care less what people thought. I didn’t fit in with any crowd, I fit in with all of them and had more friends then ever.

I’ve always thought that friendships being broken between people because they didn’t fit the same stereotype are terrible. I really think this is where my hate for doppelgangers harbors from. I had a friend since elementary school that had been my best friend all the way up to my senior year. While I was having fun being myself, my friend became part of the crowd that thought it was funny to make fun of people’s misfortunes. To me that wasn’t cool, even though I said funny things and picked on people it was about things that even the person couldn’t help but make fun of themselves over. I never hurt anyone’s feelings and even to this day I feel that I haven’t hurt anyone’s feelings. It was unfortunate that he had to change who he was to blend in. He broke a friendship that was a very long and good one just so he we would fit in somewhere.

It gets on my nerves when someone acts one way when they are around some people but then when around a different group they act like that group. One thing with me is you’re going to get the same me no matter who you are or what kind of person you are. I look at as having more respect for myself, keyword myself. If you have to change who you are that’s basically saying you’re ashamed of who you are as a person.

Now underneath this blog is a lesson to be learned, possibly on the level of “Aesop’s Fables”. Never be anything other than yourself, always stand up for the things you believe in because at the end of the day when you go home and you’re by yourself, all you have is the real you. Don’t change to become something you’re not to make a new friend because that is a friendship built on lies. May the force be with you on this fine day.

Call Me Joker and I'm here to BLOG BABY!!!

So after having people tell me I should write I blog, I've decided to go bake a cake. Okay honestly I can't bake so I'll just start a blog instead. I heard the first thing you should do on a blog is describe what you're going to talk about... I have no clue what I'll talk about honestly.

Most of everything I seem to do and say is 100% random, whether it be practical jokes, comments, or actions chances are I have not thought things through before doing or saying it. Chances are my blog is going to be the same, however everyone does seem to enjoy my outlooks and views on a large variety of subjects so I'll make sure to bestow the world with those lovely philosophical views... I would like to take this moment to say that I spelled philosophical correctly on the first try people. You know I guess I could talk about myself a little, tell you a little about the man behind the words.

While they say age is but a number it seems to be how most conversations about yourself start so I'll go with that door. I'm 28 years old and I am a father to a wonderful daughter as well as a husband to a wonderful wife. God blessed me with those two and I'm lucky that he gave me a woman who can put up with me. I know I drive her insane well over half the time we're together but she loves me still. On a serious note my daughter is what I live for, she brings a smile to my face every time I see her.

Now that's not saying fatherhood is all roses cause it's not. Fatherhood, especially with a daddy's girl, consists of constant "hold me daddy"'s", "I want my daddy.", and absolutely no TV time as it is taken up currently by Hello Kitty cartoons, which I would like to say is the DUMBEST cartoons ever. I mean it rips off every great story ever told, even "Star Wars", and starts out with "Once upon a meow in a land called Cat Fish". Still with the frustrations the love she gives me and the love I have learned from her has changed my life. Now onto the work life.

My work life is like every work life, it sucks. But I have a great job and great bosses so I can't complain, I just would much rather hit the lottery and chill out home for the record. I'm a Regional Manager for a chain of Verizon Wireless stores. That job doesn't give me a lot of free time but when I do get free time and I'm not spending it with la famila, I'm doing one of two things. Drum roll please.............

Cue hobby one.... gaming. I play Xbox in my spare time during the week. That consists of lots of online gaming and some of it can be found on, http://www.youtube.com/user/gamingguru02, <----that is what we in the industry like to call cheap product placement.

Last but not least my favorite thing to do in the whole world is, PLAY PAINTBALL!!! I play for a semi professional paintball team called Team ODX. We're actually a global team and we have players as far away as England I do believe. We play milsim paintball, so you won't see any of our tournaments on ESPN because that's called Speedball. That's a little paintball education for you right there folks. We basically play in recreations or new creations of military scenarios. Games usually last seven straight hours and they're always a blast to play in. We host one of the largest games of the year called Fulda Gap which usually has well over 1000 players on the field at one time. With 60 acres of field and 14 forts it's never overcrowded, just non stop action. Unfortunately the majority of us are refs during this game, but a small group of us are Special Ops for one of the sides. Sadly I am not part of the small group and will be one of the head refs on the field... booooo.

Well I think I covered some pretty good ground there and we consider the ground broken for the foundation for this blog. Hope you enjoyed the read and if you didn't, well read it again until you do enjoy it. Until next time peeps, Love... Peace... and Chicken Grease.